Julia
by Vol lady
Summary: After Julia Saxon leaves Stockton, Jarrod decides it's time to tell his brothers what happened in Washington during the war. Follows "They Called Her Delilah."
1. Chapter 1

Julia

Chapter 1

Stockton CA, 1878

The train pulled out. She was standing at the rear door, looking back his way. He watched her go, and neither one of them smiled. There was nothing to smile about. When the train finally turned the bend and was gone, he looked away and started back toward the buggy he had left outside the depot.

He got dizzy. He wasn't surprised. He knew coming to town was a risk. He'd been beaten badly, hit over the head with something like an axe handle, left for dead in the livery stable, just yesterday. It was a good seven hours before the sheriff found him and got him home. He woke up in his own bed, worried about her, worried about the trial, but the doctor gave him laudanum and he was out again for several hours. He awoke to find it was growing dark outside. His brothers had found the answers to the charges against Julia Saxon, and she had been cleared, all while he lay drugged in his own bed. He fell asleep after being awake for only a minute or two, after they told him what had happened.

Now it was the next day, and he had no business being out of bed, but she had sent him a note, apologizing for everything, saying she was leaving town as soon as possible. He had to see her before she left, so he made his way out of bed and off to town in a buggy without anyone seeing him. He'd made it all right, but now the good-byes were traded and she was gone, and he was losing strength and consciousness as he reached the buggy.

"Jarrod!" the sheriff's voice came close over his shoulder. "What the hell are you doing here?"

The world started to get spotted with darkness. "Passing out," he said, and he did.

The next thing he knew, he was being bundled into his own bed again, and Nick's voice was saying, "Didn't we just do this yesterday?"

Jarrod didn't have the energy to answer. He felt his boots being removed and his tie and then he felt nothing again until he woke up in darkness with just a lamp beside the bed lit. He was under blankets, back in his sleeping clothes, and his head hurt.

Nick was sitting in a chair beside the bed. "If you'd stay put like you've been told, the doctor wouldn't keep drugging you out and I wouldn't be sitting here like a nursemaid," Nick said.

Jarrod's mouth was dry. "Some water – " he tried to say. He wasn't sure he'd actually said it until Nick raised him a little and put a glass to his lips. Jarrod drank the little bit of water in the glass. It tasted bitter, like it had laudanum in it, and he was ready to object but it was too late. Nick let him back down. Jarrod closed his eyes. "What day is it?"

"The sheriff dragged you home from that beating yesterday morning," Nick said. "The doctor drugged you out and you were pretty much gone until this morning when you snuck out of here and took yourself to town. You passed out in the street and the sheriff dragged you home again. And the doctor drugged you out again with orders for us to keep an eye on you."

"Mm," Jarrod said, his soupy mind fixating on the alliteration, _"dragged and drugged, dragged and drugged…."_

"She's gone," Nick said.

Jarrod had forgotten that, but now he remembered watching the train pull away before he passed out. "I know," he said.

"Are you gonna stay in bed like you're supposed to now, or are we gonna do all this one more time tomorrow?"

"Let it alone, Nick," Jarrod said. "It's done. What time is it now?"

"After eleven. You need to sleep. The doctor says you'll be all right if you quit getting out of bed and going to town."

Jarrod said, "I won't go anywhere."

"I'll be here for a while if you need me. Heath will be here after me."

"Thanks," Jarrod said.

"We'll talk more when you're up to it."

"Nnn," Jarrod said, trying to say "no, we won't," but he couldn't get it out. His world went black again.

Nick heard the door open and looked over his shoulder. His mother was coming in, certainly on her way to bed. She stepped beside Nick, putting a hand on his shoulder. He put his hand atop hers. "Has he been awake yet?" she asked.

"He was for a minute, just now," Nick said. "He said he wouldn't get out of bed again, but I gave him that next dose of laudanum so I know he won't."

Victoria sighed. "Did you tell him Julia Saxon had left town?"

"I think he remembered that on his own. Mother – do you know what this was all about?"

Victoria knew Nick was asking about his brother's relationship with the former Confederate spy. She didn't really feel right talking about it. If Jarrod wanted Nick to know, he'd tell him. "A bit," she ended up saying.

"He said he knew her during the war," Nick said.

"Yes," Victoria said.

"And he didn't say it, but I take it they were involved."

"It seems they were, yes."

Nick moaned a little. "He got himself busted up like this over an old love affair."

"I'm not sure how old it was, Nick," Victoria said. "At least, there was nothing in the past about it for Julia Saxon."

Nick shook his head.

"I wish this hadn't happened now," Victoria said. "He's still dealing with losing Beth, and now Julia Saxon turns up."

"Like kicking the man when he's down," Nick said.

"Yes," Victoria said.

"I wonder if she knew about Beth."

"I'm sure he didn't tell her."

Nick gave a sigh.

Victoria said, "I'll get to bed and let you and Heath look after him tonight. He might open up to one of you. He won't to me." She gave Nick a kiss on the cheek. "Good night, Nick."

Nick kissed her hand. "Good night, Mother."

Victoria went out. Nick heard the door close, and he gave another sigh, looking down at his brother in that drugged sleep he was in. He really doubted anybody was going to get Jarrod to open up about what had just happened with Julia Saxon.

"Aw, Pappy," Nick said quietly, and then he didn't know what else to say. Jarrod wouldn't hear him anyway.

XXXXXXXX

The next time Jarrod woke up, the room was sunlit but not very bright. His head wouldn't clear very much, but he sat up on the edge of the bed anyway. He needed the wc.

Somebody got out of the chair on the other side of the bed. Jarrod was startled for a moment, then felt Heath come to his side and help him stand up. "If you're gonna try to walk somewhere, you better let me help you," Heath said.

Jarrod stood, rickety but not as bad as he thought he might be. "What time is it?" he asked.

"Just past five – in the afternoon."

"Afternoon?" Jarrod said.

"You slept almost around the clock," Heath said. "Mother already sent for Dr. Merar to come have a look at you."

"I need the wc," Jarrod said.

"Let's go," Heath said.

Heath held onto him as he slowly made it down the hall, barefoot and head clanging. Heath stayed with him as he used the facilities and looked at himself in the mirror with a groan. "I was hoping I didn't look as bad as I feel," Jarrod said. He hadn't shaved in days, and his eyes drooped. His hair was uncombed and wild.

"Best you get back into bed for a while," Heath said. "You didn't do yourself any good going into town and passing out in the street."

Jarrod remembered his good-bye to Julia. "Yes, I did," he said.

Heath helped him back down the hall and back to bed. As Jarrod lay back against the pillows, he knew he was awake for good now. Heath sat back down in the chair.

"Don't you have to go out to work?" Jarrod asked.

"Like I said, it's afternoon," Heath said. "The family's already gathered for visiting before dinner."

"Afternoon," Jarrod said, closing his eyes, thinking. "So I passed out in town yesterday morning."

"Yep," Heath said.

"You don't have to sit with me. I won't get out of bed anymore."

"Doctor's orders. We don't leave you alone until he gives us the go ahead."

"You said he's coming by in a while?"

"Should be. Look, Jarrod, you know I'm not gonna pry too hard. If you don't want to talk about it, I won't keep at you, but it seems to me this Julia Saxon has knocked you for a loop, and I don't mean just the beating you took in the livery stable. You gotta talk it out with somebody or we might be picking you up off the street again before long."

"No, no," Jarrod groaned. "I've learned my lesson. I'll do whatever the doctor says." He opened his eyes and looked through still half-drugged fog at his youngest brother. "I know you want to help, but I need to sort this out for myself, and I can't do it until I start feeling awake again."

"All right," Heath said, "but you've had a rough time over the last few months. I know you're used to sorting out your own problems and everybody else's while keeping things confidential, but you might just need some help this time. You're not a lawyer right now. You're just a regular middle-aged man with a bigger load of problems than most."

Jarrod glared. "Middle-aged?" He feigned indignation.

Heath laughed. "I thought that might wake you up."

Jarrod closed his eyes. "If you're going to call me middle-aged, I'm gonna start calling you a whipper-snapper."

Heath laughed some more. "You can call me pip-squeak if it helps."

"No, that's what I used to call Nick, until he outgrew me." Jarrod looked at his brother again. "Thanks for the laugh, Heath. I needed it."

A knock came at the door, and Heath told them to come in. It was Victoria and Dr. Merar. They both looked worried until they saw Jarrod was awake.

"Well, that's usually the way it works," Dr. Merar said, coming closer and putting his bag on the night table. "Call for the doctor and the patient improves before he gets here."

"He's been out for a long time," Victoria said. "I didn't want night to come on without you seeing him."

"I'm awake now," Jarrod said. "I'll get normal again as long as you don't keep drugging me, Doctor."

Dr. Merar took out his stethoscope and checked Jarrod's heartbeat. "I think we can get you through the night with a half dose and quit using it tomorrow. You haven't been on it long enough to cause problems."

"Can I get up and around tomorrow?" Jarrod asked.

"Around the house, yes. Around town, no," the doctor said. "And use a cane. You're likely to be a bit unstable for a few more days." The doctor looked at Jarrod's eyes and said, "I think you can quit worrying now, Victoria. He'll get over this."

 _Which "this?"_ Victoria asked herself. _His injuries or Julia Saxon?_

Jarrod and Heath could both tell what she was thinking.

The doctor said, "I'd rather somebody stay with him one more night, in case he decides to get up and go sleep walking. A half dose of laudanum can make a man do that."

"I'll stay for a while and then let Nick in," Heath said.

Jarrod eyed his brother with a small grin. "Yeah, Heath and I have some things to talk about before you hit me with any more laudanum, Doctor."

Heath smiled a little, and so did Victoria. The doctor said to her, "Then I'll let you give him the laudanum when he's ready to sleep. I'll be back the day after tomorrow, unless you need me sooner."

"I think we'll be all right," Jarrod said.

Victoria and the doctor left, and as the door closed, Heath sat down on the chair again. "So, you ready to talk about Julia Saxon, Jarrod?" he asked.

Jarrod looked up at the ceiling with a sigh. "I think I maybe I am."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Washington DC, 1862

Jarrod had already spent one winter back east, but this was his first in Washington and he had to admit, even though it was early, it was already miserable. Sometimes it snowed, sometimes there was just a cold rain, and if it didn't rain or snow the wind blew so hard you couldn't keep your hat on. The streets in Washington were full of soldiers in kepis with chin straps, and Jarrod was no different, but he hated the chin strap. It chafed and itched, and to make matters worse the arm wound he got at the Battle of Antietam always felt worse, especially when it rained. The only time it didn't ache was when he was near a fire, so he claimed the desk at the war department that was nearest the fireplace and somehow managed to endure the dreadful weather.

After he was wounded, he was reassigned to army intelligence, hence what he saw as being "incarcerated" in Washington. His job there was to take in information from the field officers – sensitive information about troop deployments as well as information gathered by Union spies in Washington – and to organize it before passing it on to the higher ups. It was so boring he regretted enlisting sometimes, but he kept hoping that once his arm was back in shape, they'd let him back out into the field. Frankly, he thought it was fine now, except for the achiness. He suspected they were just using his arm as an excuse to keep him in Washington because he was good at his job.

He thought about becoming bad at his job, but that just wasn't the kind of man he was growing into. And he was becoming a man now. The awful winter was really only getting started when he met his 19th birthday in Washington, in weather that was pretty warm and beautiful. Some of his coworkers took him out to dinner to celebrate. There was a club in town that catered to the soldiers, making sure they were well fed for a decent price, and they took him there after work. The place was crowded with people who were laughing and enjoying themselves – enjoying themselves in the midst of an awful war! Jarrod found that rather uncomfortable at first, but then he realized you had to cut loose sometimes or the war would grind you into the dust.

He didn't drink at this point in life – he didn't think it was a good idea to do any drinking when you were doing intelligence work – so he stayed sober, and he was glad he did when she came over to him and his friends. She smiled and said, "I hear there's a birthday party going on here."

"Our man Jarrod is turning 19!" one of Jarrod's coworkers said and slapped him on the back.

The beautiful woman in the dress with the slit up the side put her arm around him. That slit enabled her leg to move up against him, and with his senses not being dulled by liquor, he felt very, very happy to sense her bare skin through his uniform. She was young and she was warm, and she said, "Happy birthday, soldier. Jarrod, is it?"

"Jarrod Barkley," he said and tried not to let his voice wobble or even break into falsetto.

"Nice to meet you, Jarrod Barkley," she said. "I'll sing something special for you."

She gave him a kiss on the cheek, turning his face red, and then she went over to a corner in the room where a piano sat. Soon, someone was playing and she was singing. "Who is she?" Jarrod asked.

"Julia Saxon," one of his friends said. "Nice piece of work, isn't she?"

"I'll say," Jarrod said.

XXXXXXX

It started that simply. Jarrod figured that he would remember the kiss and the song and the bare leg and that would be all it was, a fond birthday memory, but it didn't end there. It was only a few days later when he left his room at a boarding house for the military, heading for work, and all of a sudden, there she was, coming toward him. And she smiled at him. "Well, hello, Jarrod Barkley!"

"You remember my name," he said.

"Hard to forget a pair of eyes as blue as those," she said.

Jarrod avoided the blush but did smile. "Or a voice as lovely as yours, Miss Saxon," he said.

"Please, call me Julia," she said.

"Are you on your way to work?" he asked.

"No, actually, I don't work until the evening. The weather was decent and I was just out for a morning stroll. I take it you're off to work."

Jarrod offered his arm, and she took it, and they walked together. "I am."

"So you work at the war department," she said.

He was surprised. "How do you know that?"

"I knew the boys you came into the club with the other night. The war department must keep you busy these days. What do you do?"

"This and that," he said.

"Oh, secrets, is that it?"

Jarrod laughed. "Well, if I did work with secrets, I'd have to keep that a secret too, wouldn't I?"

"Is it a secret about how you're keeping Christmas this year?"

It was Jarrod's second Christmas away from home, and he was going to be working. "Actually, yes," he said.

She laughed. "You win. Where are you from, Jarrod?"

"California," he said.

Her eyes widened. "California? Whatever are you doing here?"

"My duty," he said. "I've been back east here for a year and a half. Nobody thought the war would last this long, but I promised I'd stay for the duration, whatever that is."

"I'll bet you didn't plan on spending the war in an office."

"No, I didn't, and I was in the field, but I was wounded at Antietam and they put me on desk work for a while."

"Not badly wounded, I hope."

"Not really, but it was in my left arm and it still hampers me a bit, so here I am."

"Why don't you come back to the club again? Tonight, maybe? I wouldn't mind looking out into the crowd and singing to those baby blues again."

Jarrod laughed. "The place will be full of blue eyes."

"Not like yours," she said.

They had arrived at the war department building. Jarrod turned to see if Julia's eyes were sincere about wanting to see him again or whether she was just trying to get some more business for the club. But then he remembered how crowded it had been. She didn't need to drum up business. "Maybe I'll come, if work permits," he said.

She squeezed his right arm and went on her way with a dazzling smile, outdone only by her own dazzling blue eyes.

And Jarrod was hooked. He was cautious about it at first. What would a girl like this want with a lowly captain from the country? She was for city men, men who might have done business with the war department but certainly didn't work for it. She was not the girl for a lowly soldier.

He'd had girlfriends back home, but nothing was ever like this. None of those girls ever got his blood pumping like this Julia Saxon did, and they certainly never awakened feelings in parts of him that he liked as much as the sensations he was feeling now. He actually had to take some good deep breaths, to be sure he was still presentable to go work. That was when he decided that yes, he would go to the club that evening, and see if this Julia Saxon still only had eyes for him, because he sure wanted to have eyes for her.

XXXXXXXXXX

Stockton CA, 1878

Nick knocked on the door and was a little surprised when Jarrod's voice told him to come in. His mother had told him that Jarrod was awake when the doctor came, but Nick expected him to be asleep again. Instead, he was sitting up in bed, pillows piled behind him, wide awake.

"Well, look who's living again," Nick said, closed the door behind him and came in. "The doctor says we still need to keep an eye on you, so I'm here to relieve our little brother here for a while."

"We've just been talking," Jarrod said. "I – uh – decided I'd best tell you what happened between me and Julia Saxon during the war."

Nick was even more surprised now. And a bit embarrassed. He was the one who been most put out by Jarrod's silence when he brought Julia Saxon home a few nights earlier, but after Jarrod was attacked and after he and Heath found out it was really the Parker brothers and not Julia who were responsible for MacGregor's murder, Nick felt bad about being so difficult over Jarrod's secret. "Are you sure you want me in on this?" Nick asked.

Jarrod nodded, but only a little. His head still hurt. He said, "Yeah, you got beaten up on my behalf, Nick. I owe you."

Nick laughed a bit and pulled up another chair. "No, I got beaten up on my own behalf. You couldn't help Julia while you were laid up in here. I felt like I owed you, if you believed in her. I was rotten to both of you the other night."

"Yeah, you were a pain, but I still want you to know what happened between Julia and me," Jarrod said. "It's simple and complicated at the same time."

"Jarrod was just explaining how he came to meet her in Washington during the war," Heath said.

"That was the simple part," Jarrod said. "She was singing at a club some friends took me to on my 19th birthday. She wished me a happy birthday and sang a song for me, and a few days later we ran into each other in the street." He chuckled a little regretfully. "Ran into each other. That's what I thought it was at the time, but it was really anything but."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Washington DC, 1862

Jarrod did go the club where Julia worked that evening, and again it was good and crowded. He took his hat off and looked around before he found an empty spot at the bar. Since he didn't drink alcohol, he made sure that he continually nursed full glasses of sarsaparilla and had visited the plumbing in plenty of time to be back out by the bar when Julia was due to perform.

He thought she might not even notice he was there, all the blue uniforms blending in so completely. But when she came out on her way to the piano, she found him right away. She came over to him and planted a kiss on his cheek. He was stunned.

It was noisy, so she moved up close to him. She was petite and nearly a foot smaller than his six-foot height. He leaned down so she could speak into his ear. "I'm glad you came," she said. "I have two sets tonight. Would you share a drink with me in my dressing room after the second show?"

Even more stunned now, Jarrod went wide-eyed.

"We'll leave the door open," she whispered.

Now he was really embarrassed. He smiled and nodded anyway.

Julia smiled at him, squeezed his hand, and went up to the piano. She sang song after song, every man in the place riveted on her – and some of them giving him an "attaboy" grin, having noticed she'd kissed him and whispered in his ear.

After a dizzying two sets, Jarrod found a man walking up to him and telling him "Miss Saxon would like to see you backstage." He followed the man, some hoots and cheers from the other patrons following him. On the way backstage, Jarrod decided it was way past time he stopped feeling and acting like a country bumpkin. He was a man now, a captain in the army. He needed to be confident in that and act like one. So he followed along, and in a moment he was entering Julia Saxon's dressing room.

She was seated at her vanity, touching up her make-up, or at least that's what it looked like. The man who brought Jarrod back left, and Jarrod went into the room. Julia smiled at him. "I'm glad you came, Jarrod."

"I enjoyed both of your shows," Jarrod said. "You have a beautiful voice."

"Oh, some find it too husky, but it's mine," she said. She nodded toward a chair. "Sit down. Stay and talk for a while."

Jarrod sat. That was when he noticed she was actually removing her heavier stage make-up. "How is it you came to be a singer?" he asked.

"It's something I found out I could do to earn a living," she said. "I wasn't really interested in being a bar waitress. You've probably already figured out there's more to that than waitressing, and I didn't want to earn my living behind closed doors, as they say. Relax, Jarrod. I'm not going to sell you anything. I'm just a singer."

Jarrod smiled a little. He'd been well aware of what a lot of young women did to make their way through life, but Julia didn't need to know how he became aware of that. He was glad – and surprised – that she was not selling her wares as well as her songs, at least not to him. "Are you from Washington?" he asked.

"I don't really know where I was born," she said. "I was the proverbial baby found on the orphanage steps, here in town. As soon as I learned I could make a living singing, I got away from there. I was 13."

"That couldn't have been easy," Jarrod said.

"No, it wasn't. I did what I had to do until I built a reputation that let me do what I _wanted_ to do instead. How about you? Are you a real western cowboy?"

Jarrod laughed. "My family does own a ranch, and I've done my share of cowpoking, but before the war I was studying to become a lawyer."

"A lawyer? I'll bet that's why they chose you for duty in the war department."

"That and my bum arm. I do want to get back out into the field as soon as I'm able."

Julia put her make up material away. "A man of action. I like that." Then she looked at him and smiled, while taking a bottle of scotch out from below her dressing table. "You do have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen."

Jarrod chuckled again, embarrassed again. "Nobody's ever called me beautiful before, especially not a woman who's about the most beautiful one I've ever seen."

"Would you like a drink?" she asked.

"No, thank you, I don't drink while I'm stationed at the war department."

"That's probably a good idea," she said and put the bottle away. "Loose lips are not good in your line of work. I suppose you have early hours at the war department, don't you?"

Jarrod nodded. "I'm afraid so."

Julia stood up, and Jarrod stood up with her. "I'm through for the night. I live only a couple blocks from here. Since we're skipping the drink, would you walk me home?"

Jarrod offered his arm. "My pleasure."

They left by the stage entrance that emptied into an alley. From there to the street was only a few paces, but there were several men in the alley, and they immediately started to crowd Jarrod and Julia. Jarrod pushed them out of the way, trying to be polite about it, but these men had been drinking.

One of them said, "Come on, Julia – what do you want a boy like this when you can have a man?" and he grabbed Julia by the arm.

Jarrod decked him. As the man hit the ground, Jarrod looked up at the other men. It was too dark to see for sure, but he assumed they were soldiers. He also couldn't see if he outranked them, but he bluffed anyway. "Any man who touches this woman again is going to find himself court martialed!"

That was all they needed to hear. They helped the man on the ground up and all backed away, into the darkness, letting Jarrod and Julia go on their way.

"Thank you," Julia said as soon as they were out on the street.

"That's not an unusual occurrence for you, is it?" Jarrod asked.

"No, it isn't," she sighed, "but I don't usually have as strong a young man to defend me. They're wasting your talent, keeping you in a war department office."

"That's what I think, but it won't be for much longer. Now that they're forming colored units, I'm trying to get into one, in the cavalry."

"Really? I'd think that would be especially dangerous. The Confederates are not taking very kindly to fighting negro soldiers."

"I admire the black men for what they're doing, fighting to free themselves. I want to help."

"Isn't your work with the war department helping them? I mean, I'm sure your work has you helping with their organization, getting them where they need to be, all that sort of thing."

Jarrod heard a little alarm bell go off in his head. He knew better than to let the conversation go in this direction. "I just want to be back in the action," he said, and he left it at that.

They talked about idle things after that, until Jarrod stopped with Julia in front of the building where she lived. She turned toward him, saying, "Well, good night."

She was inviting a kiss, and he knew it, but he was still cautious. He did kiss her, just very lightly on the lips, not lingering long at all. "Good night, Julia," he said.

As he walked home to his room, Jarrod felt the tingle she had left him with on their first meeting, but now it was tempered by the questions she asked. He didn't think she was being anything but innocent about it, but he knew he could not take the chance. He especially could not let her interest in him lower his guard.

He was an intelligence agent. He worked with sensitive information, and once or twice he had even been called upon to get out of uniform and meet with intelligence agents in the field. He didn't think she knew that, but the fact that she knew he worked for the war department was enough to keep him alert. He didn't trust her intentions, not yet.

But it sure would be nice to think she was just interested in him for himself, and not for the information he had. Maybe he'd come to believe that, but he didn't. Not yet.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Washington DC, 1863

Jarrod didn't see Julia again for a few days. The new year came along, and the Emancipation Proclamation went into effect. Soon they would stepping up enlistment of negro men, meaning they would need more white officers, and Jarrod was still bent on getting a command. In the meantime, the Washington winter grew more miserable, so he spent little time outside. Going to and from work, he'd tilt his head into the wind and move as fast as he could. There was simply no other way to cope with the weather.

After several very long days at the war department, the weather broke a bit. It was rainy, but oddly warm, so Jarrod took advantage of it. He decided he wanted to take advantage of something else, too.

After work, he treated himself to the club where Julia sang, hoping to see her again and not just standing beside the piano. When she came out, he saw her scan the crowd and found himself hoping it was him she was looking for. Foolish, he thought. He hardly knew her and he didn't really trust her yet, and he hadn't seen her for a while, but there was something so alluring about her, that when she did spot him and smile, he felt a lift inside.

After she finished her first set, she came over to him, saying, "Hello, Jarrod. I'm glad you're back. I guess you've been busy at the war department."

"We always are," Jarrod said.

"I could stand another escort home tonight," Julia said. "Can you stay until after the second set?"

Jarrod nodded. "I'll stay."

"Come back to my dressing room after I leave the piano," she said. "We can have a drink before we go."

"I'm afraid I still don't drink these days, remember?" Jarrod said.

Julia smiled, a little wickedly. "Sarsaparilla?"

Jarrod laughed. "Water will do."

"Water it'll be," she said, and she went to the piano.

Jarrod listened to her sing, aware that the soldiers around him were looking at him with knowing grins on their faces. At least they all thought they were knowing grins. Jarrod was still not ready to become too involved with the woman standing beside the piano. Maybe by inches he was beginning to trust her, and beginning to want more than a walk home with her, but he wasn't quite there yet. He knew intelligence agents came in all sizes and sexes. He knew he had to be careful.

But as they walked to her home that evening, the conversation became a bit more intimate than he was expecting. Out of the blue, Julia said, "It is rather difficult to be a performer, especially when you consider my audience is exclusively soldiers. I might want a close companion to share my days with, but I have to be careful. A lot of men want a quick conquest and then they're gone."

Jarrod was a little taken aback. "That's awfully personal, Julia," he said.

"I'm sorry," she said. "You're right. We barely know each other, and here I am, just about to pour my heart out."

Jarrod thought hard about what to say next. He didn't want to get into her feelings, or his, too deeply, but he didn't want to turn ice cold, either. "I can understand it must be difficult for you, figuring out who to trust and who to stay away from."

"How do you do it?" she asked.

Jarrod was even more surprised. "How do I do it? I'm not in danger of becoming anybody's conquest."

"Not in the same way I am, of course," she said, "but you do have to be careful, given your work. You never know who might be sidling up to you just for information."

Jarrod looked at her. "Is that what you're doing?"

"No," she said quickly. "I wouldn't know what to do with information you might have even if you handed it to me on a silver platter. I just like you, Jarrod. Given a little time, I think I could like you very much."

They had arrived at her place. Jarrod went ahead and kissed her, without an invitation this time.

"Maybe even more than 'like,'" she said.

"There's a war on, you know," Jarrod said. "Any time now I could be transferred and then be dead."

Julia nodded. "I know. If anything is making me appear more forward than you'd like, it's probably because I know that. We may not have a lot of time together, Jarrod. I don't want to miss something special just because of this war."

Jarrod kissed her again. He wasn't entirely sure he believed her, but on the other hand he wasn't entirely sure he disbelieved her, either. And he did agree with her about one thing. He didn't want to miss something special just because of the war, either. He didn't want to be transferred and then dead at 19 without having really been in love. And until he spent more time with Julia, he couldn't be sure, but he was beginning to think she was the one he wanted to be in love with.

He kissed her again, more completely this time. "May I come up?" he asked.

She nodded.

He went up to her apartment with her, and on the way he decided. Whether he believed her or not, whether he was really falling in love with her or not, he wanted to be with her tonight. They had barely entered her apartment and closed the door before she proved she wanted to be with him, too.

XXXXXXX

Stockton CA, 1878

Nick and Heath looked at each other. Heath said, "That was pretty darned risky, Jarrod."

"I knew it at the time, but I did it anyway," Jarrod said. "She was so beautiful, I just had a helluva time resisting her."

"So, you kept seeing her," Nick said.

"Sporadically at first," Jarrod said, "but it only took a couple weeks before we saw each other more frequently."

"Was she after information from you?"

"At first I was suspicious," Jarrod said. "I knew I had to keep diverting her questions if they aimed at my work. I should have reported it, but she was good at asking without asking, if you know what I mean. And I guess I was curious as to whether she'd still want to see me if I didn't answer her, if she really was an operative trying to get information out of me. Maybe I was full of enough ego that I was trying to see if I could keep warding her off while still bedding her. You know how it is when you're 19."

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Washington DC, 1878

"How long have you been in the war department, Jarrod?"

The alarm inside him began to clang again. "A few months," he said, and kissed her.

She pulled him closer. "I wouldn't think there was much intelligence to gather, what with everyone going into winter quarters."

She kissed him, deep and satisfying. His head started to swirl, almost deafening the clang. "There's always work to do."

She said, "It feels so good to have you here with me. I hope you don't have to leave tonight."

"I don't," he said. "Just another day at the office tomorrow."

"Do they let you do any work out in the field?" she asked.

The alarm grew a little louder. "Not really," he said. He kissed her again. "You're beautiful."

She pulled him close again. "Forgive me for saying this, but I hope you stay in the war department for the whole war and never get transferred away."

"Mmm," he said. "Being with you could get dangerous. You do have a way of spinning a man's head."

She laughed. "And you have a way of keeping your work to yourself. If I were pumping you for information, I'd have given up long ago. You're going to make an excellent lawyer someday."

He smiled, ran his hand through her hair. "Someday. If I survive this war."

"If any of us survive it," she said, and she kissed him again. "But I'm not going to worry about that right now, are you?"

He kissed her neck. "No. Not right now."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Stockton CA, 1878

"You always were cautious with her, weren't you?" Heath asked.

Jarrod closed his eyes. "I was never really sure with her – I wouldn't have been with anybody, I don't think - and things were moving faster than they would have if she were just a Stockton girl. When there's a war on and you know you might die before ever seeing another full moon or another snowfall – well, you do things a bit more quickly than you might otherwise do them," he said.

"So where did it go from there?" Nick asked.

Jarrod said, "I saw her a lot after that. I began to take her to dinner now and then, and then fairly often. We spent a lot of days and nights together. I wasn't being wise."

"But you didn't let her in on the work you were doing," Heath said.

"No, I never did," Jarrod said. "Looking back on it, she was trying to get information out of me at first, but after a while, she wasn't trying very hard. And then – well, then one night, when we were together, I told her the truth. I told her I'd fallen in love with her."

"What did she say?" Nick asked.

XXXXXXXX

Washington DC, 1863

Julia hesitated after he said it. They were in each other's arms again after many times already, and she hesitated. And for a moment Jarrod felt like an idiot. He had read her all wrong. She didn't love him.

He started to leave.

She said, "I'm in love with you too, Jarrod."

He stopped, looking at her, seeing if there was truth in her eyes.

There was, or at least there seemed to be. She said, "I didn't think I could ever fall in love. I always thought I needed to protect my heart, to watch out for all those men who would use me as some sort of trophy. But you're not doing that."

"No," Jarrod said softly. He took her back into his arms.

"Is it just the war, Jarrod?" she asked. "Are we in love just because of the war?"

"Just because it could take us away from each other for good? No," Jarrod said. "That's not why I fell in love. It's true. It exists, and maybe things are moving along a bit faster than we expected, but I love you, Julia. I'd have fallen in love with you, war or no war."

He kissed her again, and she held on tight to him. She whispered in his ear, "I hope you never get transferred out into the field again."

That little alarm went off in his head, but she pulled him even closer and kissed him again. The alarm faded out and he got lost in her. He felt like he would stay lost in her forever, and when she said she loved him, too, he believed her.

But then, as quickly as they had fallen in love and told each other so, something changed. They still spent time together, night and day, but something Jarrod couldn't put his finger on was different. When she was with him, there was something reserved about her. It took a while for him to become confident enough, either as her lover or as a man, to ask outright what was going on, but one night, when he felt particularly alone even though he was with her, he finally asked, "Julia – what's happening with us?"

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Is it my imagination, or are we drifting apart from one another?" he asked.

"What makes you think that?" she asked.

"Something," he said. "Do you remember, when we talked about the war – when I told you that I loved you?"

"I remember," she said softly in the darkness.

"You told me you loved me, too, but did you really mean it, or was that the war talking?"

She was quiet for a while, then asked, "What are you asking me, Jarrod?"

"Is this real? Do you love me, or is what we're doing just to ward off that lousy war out there?" he asked point blank.

She was quiet again, but finally said, "It's not just the war. I have my pick of men, Jarrod. I wouldn't be here like this with you if I didn't love you."

He looked at her face in the dim light coming in from the street outside. "Then tell me what it is. What's bothering you about us?"

"Maybe it is the war," she said, "but I'm not with you to ward off the war. The war is scaring me. I'm afraid it will take you away from me. Maybe I'm a little distant because every day I become a little more afraid of that."

Jarrod could understand that. He had made no bones about wanting to be transferred back out into the field. It wasn't the war that was pushing them together now. It was the war that was pulling them apart. But – "I wish I could tell you that I'd never be transferred. I can tell you that I love you and I do, and if I am transferred I will do everything in my power to come back safe to you. But will you want me to come back?"

Julia sighed, was quiet for a moment, and then said, "I don't know."

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Stockton CA, 1878

"I think I took her completely the wrong way," Jarrod said. "I thought she was being honest with me and that she was really afraid to love me because I might get transferred and get killed, but that wasn't it."

"So what was it?" Heath asked.

Jarrod snorted just a little. "To this day, I'm not sure I know what was true then and what wasn't. We stayed together, and for a while I thought we were getting closer again and that we were going to work out. But then she backed off again. At the time I thought it was more of the same – she was afraid I'd get killed in the field – but later on, I found out different."

Jarrrod hesitated. They figured he was probably getting tired, and when he raised his hand to his head, they figured that headache was getting worse. Nick said, "Why don't we call it a night and give you that laudanum? We can take this up again in the morning – unless you're planning to slip off to town again."

"I won't be slipping off anywhere, but I'm not ready for that laudanum yet, either," Jarrod said. "It's still too early and that stuff makes you feel like something that got thrown out with the garbage."

"What was going on with Julia then that you didn't know about?" Heath asked.

Jarrod looked at his brothers. "It wasn't until Matt Parker came into town and I learned what was happening with him that I found out she had been with other men while she was with me, men she was getting information from."

"When did Matt get there?" Nick asked.

"It was in the spring," Jarrod said.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Washington DC, 1863

Battles in Virginia had taken up everyone's attention, especially when word came that Stonewall Jackson had been wounded at Chancellorsville. The battle itself had been a disaster for the north, but from an intelligence standpoint, it was gold. Jackson out of action. They had to find out as much as they could about this, about how badly he was hurt, whether he would be back, who would replace him in the meantime.

Jarrod's relationship with Julia had cooled again, and he was beginning to plan a break with her. With the need to keep up with the information on Stonewall Jackson, he was working long days and worrying more about keeping his information to himself. Even with all the pillow talk, he had managed to keep quiet about his work, and he had to admit, Julia seldom asked anything even as simple as "How's life at the war department?" anymore. Before he could actually tell her they were over, though, something else happened.

"My gosh, Matt Parker!" Jarrod exclaimed when he saw his old school buddy from his Stockton boyhood days show up at the war department in a Union lieutenant's uniform. He extended a hand. "What in the world are you doing here, boy?"

"Transferred here a few weeks ago," Matt said. "I've been a field agent, checking out some places here and there that the men upstairs think are places our boys are getting pumped for information, clubs and restaurants and the like, but they pulled me in to a desk job starting this week, a couple floors up. I just found out you were here and thought I'd stop by and see how you were."

"I'm fine, just fine. Trying to stay out of the field myself, at least out of intelligence gathering, until I can get back into action. I've been trying for a commission with a colored cavalry unit. Still working on it."

"You always did want to be where the action was. Say, have a drink with me after work at the club down around the corner."

Where Julia worked. "I've been there a few times. I don't drink, but I'll be happy to meet you there, say about six?"

"Sounds good," Matt said. "I'll bet we've got a lot to talk about."

Jarrod didn't know how much until he met Matt at the club. They found a table not far from the piano – Matt's choice, making Jarrod a little nervous, but not as nervous as he was when Julia came in and toward the piano. She did smile for him, and she came up to him and put her arm around him. Matt Parker looked like he was going to fall over.

"Matt, this is Julia Saxon," Jarrod said. "Julia, Matt Parker – an old friend from Stockton."

"How do you do, Matt?" she asked. "Are you in town on furlough or are you stationed here too?"

Matt blubbered a bit but finally said, "No, I'm stationed here in the war department, too. You two know each other?"

Julia smiled at Jarrod, and he smiled back. "We do," she said, and then she headed for the piano.

"You and her?" Matt asked, stupefied.

Jarrod nodded. "For a while now."

"Serious?" Matt asked.

Jarrod hesitated. "Not exactly," Jarrod said. "It's hard to think seriously about a relationship in wartime."

Matt looked from Jarrod to Julia and then back again. "Maybe you're right about that. Live for the day, huh? There might not be any tomorrow."

"Something like that," Jarrod said. And he suddenly realized what it was that was making Julia more reserved. She was looking more at Matt now than she was looking at him. He thought with a shock that she was as interested in breaking up with him as he was in breaking up with her.

But at this point he didn't know the full truth yet, even though that warning bell in his head was beginning to clang more loudly than ever.

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Stockton CA, 1878

"Did you have any idea she was gonna go for Matt that night, Jarrod?" Heath asked.

"No, not really," Jarrod said. "Could you hand me some water, Nick?"

Nick fetched a glass of water for him, saying, "But you thought something was wrong."

"It had been for a while, ever since we said we loved each other," Jarrod said and drank some water. "After that night with Matt, things got even a cooler between me and Julia. I had the thought that she was looking for someone else. And I started to have the feeling that she was after more than love or even sex. We still saw each other. Still spent a few nights together, but in a month or so, we were really finished. And that's when I noticed Matt was pulling away, too. He didn't have much to say to me as time wore on, and then one night I went to the club alone, and I saw Matt and Julia together, and I got the picture."

"But you didn't know she was a spy looking for information," Heath said.

"No, but I suspected," Jarrod said. "Once she started seeing Matt, I started wondering if all that cooling off we'd been going through was because she was seeing other men, and I remembered some of the things she'd asked me when we were first seeing each other. I got worried, and I stopped seeing Julia completely, and then the fat hit the fire, and I knew."

XXXXXXXXXX

Washington DC, 1863

The Battle of Gettysburg had sent the entire city of Washington into a wild, happy frenzy. The magic of Robert E. Lee had been broken. He was retreating back into Virginia, and even though a lot of people in the war department thought General Meade and the Union Army were not pursuing him hard enough, everyone was still as happy as could be.

Except Jarrod. His relationship with Julia was over completely now, and she was always on Matt's arm. He saw them on the street a few times, as well as in the club, and he honestly felt completely betrayed – but also something else. He began to believe that Julia was using Matt for information. Then toward the beginning of August, it happened. Matt was arrested.

Jarrod was surprised – but then again, he wasn't, when he found out what the charges were. Matt was accused of passing on confidential intelligence to a Confederate operative – Julia.

It all made sense then. Julia had dropped him for Matt because she wasn't getting any information out of him, and Matt was more willing to talk. It may have made sense, but Jarrod was devastated, both because he had believed her when she said she loved him, and because she had destroyed his friend Matt. And she had disappeared. She no longer appeared at the club, and she no longer lived in the building where she and Jarrod had spent all those nights together, nights he treasured at the time. He didn't treasure them anymore.

They had Matt locked up in a cell in the war department basement, reserved for spies who had been caught at it. Jarrod didn't believe for a moment that Matt had been a willing spy for the Confederacy. He had just been taken in by Julia Saxon. Jarrod asked to see Matt as soon as he was arrested, telling his boss he wanted to check into defending him.

"Well, I know you have some legal training, Jarrod," his boss said, "but it might not be very good for your career if you defend him. He's in big trouble."

"I know," Jarrod said. "And you ought to know something – I also had a relationship with Julia Saxon."

His boss sat up straight. "You did what?"

"I didn't know she was a Confederate operative," Jarrod said. "I didn't know until now."

"But she did try to get information from you."

Jarrod nodded. "In retrospect, yes, it's clear she did, though I kept thinking she was just asking innocent questions."

"Or maybe that's what you were hoping they were."

"Maybe," Jarrod said. "But I never told her anything, and she actually dumped me for Matt."

"Jarrod, you know we're going to have to investigate this," his boss said.

"You won't have to investigate hard," Jarrod said. "We didn't make any secret of it. It was before the department had any interest in her. I know you can't take my word for it, but from what I hear, you caught Matt because some of the information he alone knew resulted in problems out in the field, am I right?"

"Yes."

"If you check into everything I've been working on over the past few months, you'll find nothing was compromised," Jarrod said. "I never told Julia Saxon a thing about my work, which is why she dumped me. I'll consider myself under arrest until you investigate this – "

"Let's leave that for the time being," his boss said. "If you're correct and nothing you've worked on has been compromised, then there's no reason to arrest you. You haven't done anything."

"May I represent Matt in the meantime?"

His boss took a deep breath. "You'd better let me look into things before we decide on that. We're still investigating everything Matt was involved in. It'll be a while before he's brought to court martial."

Jarrod nodded. "A long while back, before I ever met Julia Saxon, I put in for transfer to a colored cavalry unit. I'd like to rescind that until we get this all figured out."

His boss nodded. "For your sake, Jarrod, I hope you're as innocent in this as you think you are."

Jarrod nodded. "I'm confident I am, sir. I'll cooperate in every way. I understand Julia Saxon has disappeared."

"She has. Do you have any idea where she might have gone?"

Jarrod shook his head. "Not at all. She said she was an orphan. I assume now that she's been found out, she might have gone down to Richmond, but I don't know if that's true."

"If you hear from her at all, I expect you to tell me at once."

"Of course."

"In the meantime, you're suspended from any work in the war department. I'm transferring you to duty at Ft. Stevens for the time being."

Jarrod nodded. "If it's determined that I can represent Matt, will I be transferred back?"

"It'll take a while, but probably, yes."

"May I see Matt before I go?"

His boss nodded and began to write him out a pass. "Keep in mind, you won't be allowed to be alone with him just yet, and you don't represent him yet, either."

Jarrod nodded and took the pass. "I'll cooperate in every way, sir. Whenever you want to have me questioned, just give the word."

His boss nodded again. "Good luck, Jarrod. I hope you're cleared in all this."

"I should be," Jarrod said. And he saluted. His boss returned the salute, and Jarrod went out.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Washington DC, 1863

Jarrod left his boss's office and went straight down to the lock-up, his pass in his hand. The guard there took it and followed Jarrod in to where Matt Parker was in a cell, the only prisoner there. He looked terrified. "Jarrod – "

The guard stayed but held back toward the door. Jarrod came closer to his friend. Jarrod suddenly felt about 15 years older than he was – more 35 than 19, more a man with a lot of experience under his belt that he really didn't have. "Matt, what happened?" Jarrod asked.

Matt looked at the guard and then back at Jarrod. "Does he have to hear us?"

"I'm not your lawyer yet," Jarrod said. "You can't tell me anything confidential, and yes, he has to hear us. Tell me what you can tell me. Tell me what you don't mind the brass hearing."

"Jarrod, I had no idea she was a spy," Matt said, almost blubbering. "I really had no idea. I didn't even think I told her anything worth her knowing, but they've got me on espionage, Jarrod. They're gonna hang me!"

"Not yet, they're not," Jarrod said. "I'm doing what I can to be appointed your attorney, but I have to tell you, I'm being investigated, too."

"You?"

"I knew her, too, Matt. I could be in here with you before long."

Matt looked even more terrified. "They can't! You didn't do anything! I know you didn't!"

"And I know I didn't, too," Jarrod said. "Don't worry about me. I'll handle me. What you have to do is go back over everything you ever said or did with Julia Saxon. You have to be prepared to defend every word."

"What do they say I did? What do they say I told her?"

"I don't know yet. If they let me defend you, I'll find out, but it could take a while to sort out my role in this, not to mention yours. You might be in here for a while, so put the time to good use. Calm down and think."

Matt sighed, running a nervous hand through his hair. "Julia's gone, isn't she?"

"Off the face of the earth," Jarrod said. "She knows she'll be shot if she's caught, so she's probably gone south."

"Oh, Jarrod," Matt moaned. "I fell for her. I fell hard. I really loved her and I thought I could make her love me if I just – "

Jarrod cut him off. "Matt, don't say anything about your relationship with her just yet. Anything you say now, anything at all, could end up going against you, so you just keep those kinds of thoughts to yourself until either I get appointed as your lawyer or somebody else does."

"All right," Matt said. Then he reached through the bars for Jarrod's hand. "Jarrod – "

Jarrod took solid hold onto his friend's hand, and in that instant, he hated Julia Saxon, far more than he had ever loved her.

"Jarrod, will you write to my family, tell them what's happened?" Matt asked. "If it comes from you, even if you don't end up being my lawyer, it'll be more of a comfort to them."

Jarrod nodded. "I'll write them tonight. They're transferring me up to Ft. Stevens and I won't be seeing you again unless they let me be your lawyer, Matt. You just hold on tight, keep your mouth shut, and I'll do what I can for you when I can."

"I know you will," Matt said. "Thank you. I know you will."

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Stockton CA, 1978

"How did they catch on to Julia Saxon to begin with, Jarrod?" Heath asked.

"It turns out she wasn't even suspected of espionage when she and I were together," Jarrod said. "It wasn't until Matt that they started looking at Julia. Matt was pulled in from the field because they suspected he was getting too close to the people he was keeping an eye on. It happens to people in the field – that's why they never let any given agent stay out there too long. Once Matt started talking about Julia too much, one of the war department's spies was assigned to follow Julia and Matt for a few days. Some of the things Matt was working on seemed compromised, and when our man caught Julia meeting with a known Confederate spy, that's when Matt was arrested."

"Why didn't they pick Julia up right there?"

"I don't know," Jarrod said, "but knowing the war department, they wanted to leave her on the loose so she'd lead them to other men she'd gotten information out of. She got one step ahead of them, though. They never caught her, and at the end of the war they just forgot about it all."

Jarrod was starting to fade. "Jarrod, you really need to get some sleep," Nick said. "We can take this up again tomorrow."

Jarrod shook his head. "No. There's not a lot more to tell, not a lot you don't already know. I did get cleared of any charges of my own. I got transferred back to the war department and I did get appointed as Matt's attorney. As you know, I was able to prove that he hadn't really told Julia anything damaging and he was acquitted. The things they thought Matt had compromised really weren't compromised at all, or at least they couldn't prove they were or that Matt had anything to do with it."

"But it ate at him and it ate at him and he killed himself."

"I'm not sure what was eating at him – the espionage charges, or the fact that Julia betrayed him," Jarrod said. "He really fell in love with her, hard. I got the transfer I wanted to the colored cavalry, and Matt ran his enlistment out on guard duty at Ft. Stevens."

"What happened to Julia?" Heath asked.

Jarrod sighed. "I heard from her one more time."

XXXXXXX

Washington DC, 1863

Jarrod was packing up his personal items in his office at the war department – nothing much, a cigar case, some matches and a small book of contact information. He was due to head out to western Virginia the next day, to take charge of a colored cavalry unit. Matt Parker was on his way to Ft. Stevens. Julia Saxon was nowhere to be found.

Someone brought him a telegram. Jarrod was just about to tell the courier to take it to his boss, that he wasn't assigned here anymore, but something made him open it. He read it.

She had taken a huge risk, sending this to him at the war department, but there it was. He looked to see where it might have come from, but it turned out it just came from Washington. She was here, somewhere. The telegram didn't say where. All it said was "It was real." That was it, no name on it or anything, but he knew it was from Julia.

"What was real?" his boss asked when Jarrod gave him the telegram.

"I think she actually did love me," Jarrod admitted. "That's why she gave up on me when Matt came into the picture."

"You're sure this is from her?"

Jarrod swallowed. "We talked about it a couple times – whether what we felt for each other was real or was it the war doing things to us. I told her it was real. She'd be the only one who would say it back to me."

"And how are you with it now? Are you through with her?"

"Thoroughly," Jarrod said and meant it. "I have been since Matt came along and she changed her attentions to him. If you look at this, you can see she's still in Washington, and I'm off to western Virginia tomorrow. We're done. Absolutely done."

His boss said, "We'll take up looking for her again, in case she's hanging around Washington. I should let you know that while Matt Parker is in the clear – it's just for now."

Jarrod straightened, shocked. "What do you mean, for now?"

"We didn't bring all the charges we could have. There were a couple of matters he worked on that we didn't have evidence to try him on, but they're still under investigation." Before Jarrod could object, his boss said, "This is a military matter, Jarrod. It's a court martial offense, in wartime. If our investigation brings Matt Parker back into our purview, we'll bring him back in."

"If you do, I would like to be his counsel again," Jarrod said. "Or do I assume that I too am still under investigation?"

"No, you're cleared. If Matt is brought back in, we'll get you back out of Virginia and let you defend him."

"Does he know he's still under investigation?"

"No, and you're not to tell him."

Jarrod hated that, but he nodded, and he hoped there would be no further charges.

He left the building and headed for his room, to pack up and be ready to move out to Virginia. And that's when he saw her, on the street near his building, standing there in his path, her eyes only for him. He stopped.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Washington DC, 1863

A tidal wave of emotions rolled over Jarrod as they stood there in the street. He was enraged. He was ready to burst, and at the same time he was overcome with memories of being with her, of making love with her, of being in love with her. He stood perfectly still, staring. She came to him.

"Jarrod," she said.

"Julia, what are you doing here?" he asked. "Do you know what kind of trouble you're in?"

She nodded. "Yes, and I know that if I stay very close to you, you'll take me in and have me arrested, so I won't stay long."

Despite what he'd said to his boss, he felt utterly betrayed now, certain she had never loved him. "What do you want from me? Isn't it enough you've ruined Matt? Weren't all the lies about loving me enough?"

She shook her head. "They weren't lies. I meant it. It was real. For me, it was real. I couldn't disappear from your life without you knowing that."

Jarrod's anger raged up higher. "Why should I believe that?"

"Because you know it's true. I had to turn away from you because I had a job to do, and I couldn't do it with you. I couldn't use you. I loved you."

Jarrod never felt such ambivalence before. He didn't want to believe her, and he did want to believe her. Despite himself, the thought of her walking away from him forever now cut deep, too deep. Because he loved her, too. Even though he was livid at the thought of her, he loved her, too.

She came close and kissed him on the mouth. Not a passionate kiss, just a kiss. But again his ambivalence won out. He didn't return it. And then she quickly turned and hurried away.

He should have gone after her. He should have stopped her and arrested her and taken her back to the war department, but he was frozen in place and she was gone so fast, faster than he could think straight. By the time he knew he had to arrest her, by the time he knew he had to stop her for Matt's sake, by the time he thought he could move, she had turned a corner and was gone.

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Stockton CA, 1878

Jarrod's eyes closed, and his brothers were pretty sure he had fallen asleep, but he kept talking. "I reported that I'd seen her, but they never caught up to her. You know the rest of it. I got wounded a few times in Virginia, and near the end of the war I was actually in the hospital with that last head wound. I got word they were bringing new charges against Matt, and I was transferred to come represent him. Probably didn't do myself any good, but Matt was beyond crushed to have to face espionage charges again. They still could have hanged him."

"But you got him acquitted of those charges, too," Heath said.

"Yes," Jarrod said. "And then Matt came home and he was never the same."

"Jarrod," Nick said, and Jarrod opened his eyes. "You can't blame yourself for Matt Parker."

Jarrod remembered what he had told Julia Saxon only days earlier. _I can't forget he never would have met you if it hadn't been for me._ For a moment Jarrod considered not telling his brothers that part, but he knew he had to see this whole story through. "I introduced them," he said.

"When a man takes his own life, it's his own decision," Heath said.

"I introduced them," Jarrod said again. "And she turned on him because she couldn't use me anymore. Not because she wasn't getting anything out of me, even though she wasn't. Because she loved me."

Nick and Heath looked at each other. Heath said, "She still loves you, doesn't she? That's why she came here – to see you."

"To see if there was anything left," Jarrod said.

"And there isn't," Nick said.

"And there isn't," Jarrod said.

"Jarrod, that's not your fault either."

"I know that," Jarrod said. "The only thing I fault myself for is introducing her to Matt in the first place. The rest of it – the inexperience and the passion of a young man. I can forgive myself for that. But I can't forgive myself for introducing her to Matt."

"You've been living with it for a long time," Heath said.

Jarrod looked at him. "And I'll live with it for a lot longer. I've got things piling up on me that I have to live with. Matt – Julia – Beth."

His brothers looked at each other again. They never talked about Beth at all, but they each knew that the guilt Jarrod felt about her was not just about going off the rails and trying to kill Cass Hyatt. Jarrod felt guilty for meeting her and loving her and bringing her here just to be killed. Nick and Heath had known that for some time, since they got him home from Rimfire, and little things Jarrod said or did kept telling them that. He never said it out loud but now he had come pretty darned close.

Nick said, "I wish I knew how we could ease that burden for you, Pappy."

Jarrod said, "You can't. I just have to live with it all."

He was fading now, and for a moment his face screwed up, as if he were fighting a battle inside to keep those demons under wraps.

"Things always become easier to carry in the light of day," Heath said. "Get some sleep, Jarrod. Tomorrow will turn a new page."

Jarrod took a deep breath and nodded, without opening his eyes. It was about then that the knock came on the door. Nick went to it and saw his mother there, ready to give Jarrod the half dose of laudanum. Nick gave her a smile. "I'll take care of this, Mother."

She could tell by the look in Nick's eyes that her sons had been talking, undoubtedly about Julia Saxon. "Good night, Nick," she said, giving Nick the laudanum. "There's some food in the warmer for you and Heath. I'll see you all in the morning."

"Good night, Mother," Nick said.

Nick closed the door and brought the medicine over to Jarrod. The half dose was already in a small cup. Nick lifted Jarrod's head and put the cup up to his lips.

"Drink this, Pappy," Nick said. "Doctor's orders. Half dose of laudanum."

Jarrod took it, said, "Thanks – and thanks for making me talk about it. It might have done me some good, even if it cost you dinner. "

Nick chuckled a little. "Since when have I skipped dinner for some reason that wasn't important?"

"Since when have you skipped dinner at all?" Heath asked.

Jarrod smiled a little. "It's nice to know some things never change," he said. "And thanks – for getting Julia free. For listening." He drifted off and was asleep in only a minute or so.

Heath looked at Nick and said, "I'll bring you some dinner up and be back around three to spell you."

"No," Nick said. "Bring up the food, but I'll spend the night here and hang around the house tomorrow to help him out. You get some sleep tonight and go out on the range in the morning."

Heath could tell Nick just wanted to be with his older brother, so he nodded and got up. "All right," he said and went out the door.

Nick settled back in the chair Heath had vacated and just sat for a while. Heath was right, that things would be easier to carry in the daylight, but for now, if Jarrod woke up and needed help carrying them, Nick wanted to be the one to do it. Nick felt even smaller for the way he had treated Jarrod and Julia the night Jarrod had brought her home. He should have known the minute they came in the door, Julia wearing Jarrod's coat over her shoulders, that there was something going on there. He should have just let the woman come into the house and let his older brother talk about it when he wanted to.

But no. Nick knew he was the kind of man who hated it when something was going on and he wasn't in on it, even if it wasn't any of his business. Well, now he knew the story – and he didn't feel a whole lot better. Things piling up he was going to have to live with, Jarrod had said. Nick sighed and shook his head. Life hadn't been too easy on Big Brother for a while. _Well,_ Nick decided, _it's gonna be easier coming from me from now on. I promise you that, Pappy_.

Heath came up with a tray of food for Nick, and he set it down on the dresser, asking quietly, "You gonna be all right for the night?"

"Yeah," Nick said, not getting up yet. "We'll be fine. Hey – " he said as Heath turned to leave.

Heath turned back.

"Thanks for getting him to talk," Nick said. "Big Brother can be as tight-lipped as they come sometimes."

"Sometimes," Heath agreed. "Sometimes you just gotta start asking the right questions in the right way."

Nick chuckled. "Not yelling like a demon, right?"

Heath smiled one of his crooked smiles. "You're learning, Nick. Good night."

"Good night," Nick said.

The End


End file.
